A pang of reality

I used to have that one flame that gives me so much satisfaction in life. I've never really mind spending sleepless nights, skipping classes as long as I can fulfilled this little crave of mine. I realized I've been holding the passion for quite some time, envying others spending their lifetime doing it since forever.

So that flame dies eventually.

***

I just finished watching the final of 2015 royal debate.

I met my fellow debate-mate. I can't really describe that little joy in me speaking with him. Not because he is quite cute (he really is) but the fact that this is one of the people I used to mingle with years back. Can't even stop speaking once I am with the crowd. Looking at the burning fire in his eyes, telling me all the differences that excites him during his session, all those sweet time we used to had during schooling debates, and that "you should try, man!"

I think I am missing the old me.
I miss the feeling of bickering others appropriately, in the MOST educated form.

***

So do I want to go back to that sweet life of mine?

Growing up, I think I left my confidence and passion on the way. It is super sad, super disappointing, super annoyed, and I dont know what should I be feeling actually.

Where do I left the old me?
Am I walking the wrong path?
Why didnt I proceed with the lifetime dream? Why did I chose this?

I might be losing myself in the search of better me.
I might be losing the gist of the original me while faking me.
I might be losing the little girl innocent dream while chasing what the world want me to be.

***

Well, Im out of words.

In a state of confusion.

30 days forgetting misfortune

Betapa susahnya simpan rahsia. From those you loves.
Afraid you'll be hurting them so bad, afraid you'll be disappointing them so much.

Out of all questions I am supposed to ask, I was just wondering why is this happening to me.

And I just realized that I am hating the sight of those involved. Even in my dreams.

Shits.

The old book

I thought
flipping the pages for a while would be okay.
So I let memories flip it and recall the feelings.

Turns out
the words which was ignored, comes popping up in head.
The conversations, the laughs, the ignorance, the bliss.

Then I realized,
it was the feelings I've been missing.
It was the hatred that dissolving in memories.
And there was you,

indulging together with the scent of old book pages.

And I let your thoughts wrap my nerves,
wondering how the days would be,
if we were still a "we".


Gambang
16 December 2014.